MikeyOpp.com

When I originally kicked off this column in the spring of 2006, my first truly positive reactions and feedback were generally in regards to my serially ongoing references to what I referred to as my “so-called irrational fears.”

The structure of deconstructing my “so-called irrational fears” was simple: I would first state a fear of mine that many of my friends and acquaintances had dubbed as irrational, and then I would support the fear’s actual rationality through my innate, inherent, and irreverently irrational argumentation and logical deduction process.

But this week, I elected to commit to a travel opportunity that I consider to be not only sane and rational, but also a ‘once in a lifetime chance!’ But much to my amazement, most of my friends and acquaintances, especially those who normally mock my “so-called irrational fears,” have told me that I am being irrational for the very fact that I do not, in the slightest, fear the decision I have made.

In case you are a relatively new reader, before I delve into this column’s subject matter, I would like to offer to you a brief catalogue of just a few of my previously mentioned irrational fear’s.

My past and present fears include:

My fear of ladders (STBY#3), my fear of getting locked in bathrooms (#4), my intense fear of highway patrol officers (#5), my fear for my life in a post-apocalyptic universe (#6), my fear of vacuum cleaners (#7), my fear of the “Guest Toothbrush” (#11), and my fear any girl who can make my heart leap (#14) (Which ties into my most recent fear; fear of dating any girl who is younger than 25 years of age (#76)).

Hell, issue #19 alone had about twenty fears in it, my most favorite ones being: My fear of not fearing death (#19), my fear of hitchhiking and picking up hitchhikers (#19), my fear of public embarrassment via emasculation by women (#19), which directly conflicts with my fear of being accused of being a sexist (#19), my fear of being unable to unlock my front door in time to throw myself inside of my home to avoid being hit by crossfire from a drive by shooting (#19), my fear of asking out a girl that I only see while she’s at work (#19), and my fear of going out on a date with some girl I don’t know that well because she might show up wearing a Yankees hat (#19).

And there were some other goodies after that especially fear-ridden diatribe. Like my fear of dying from some other idiot being so stupid that they will kill me by being an idiot (#26), my fear of being branded as a leftist or a liberal (#29), my fear of forgetting to lock the front door (#35), my fear of tattooed faces, which only applies because I live in Portland, home of the famously weird facially tattooed (#36), my fear of the morally and intellectually vapid generation that is currently entering high school and college (#38, #45), my fear of marriage (#39), my fear of getting a pimple inside my ear or nose (#41), my fear of white, unmarked vans (#45), my fear of failing to prove myself worthy in the eyes of my peers (#48), my fear of lower body paralysis (#52), my fear of strangers (#52), my fear of blind people being able to see me when I’m staring at them (#52), my fear of my ceiling fan crashing onto me and killing me in my sleep (#55), and of course, my fear that androids take over my family members’ bodies and I’m forced to kill them myself, with a gun, in order to save humanity from an android take over (#52).

And some of my fears, believe it or not, I’ve actually overcome! Like my fear of text messaging (I am now an ‘effing’ pro at this game!) (#31), my fear of traveling to Japan (#32, #56), my fear of traveling to Canada in the winter (#43), my fear of rejection (#44), my fear of falling off a cliff to my premature and pathetically klutzy death (#46), and my fear of laser eye surgery (#54).

So, what do you want from me? I guess, on paper, without any explanations, I could see how one could label me as an irrationally fearful guy. Of course, if you bother to read, or re read my explanations for the preceding thirty-five mentioned “So-called irrational fears”, I have no doubt that an intelligent and discerning mind will agree with me that they are indeed fear-worthy subjects, worthy of contingency plans, so I stand tall in defense of my fears as quite rational ones.

This summer, I am going to fly to Israel with a Jewish-American Organization, and travel on bike and foot throughout Israel for ten straight days, with a group of 22-26 year olds. And the best part of all is that the entire trip, including airfare, room and board, and touristy tickets, etc., is 100% free. It is free because I meet four requirements: 1) I am 26 years old or younger at the time of the trip, 2) I was born in America, 3) At least one of my parents is technically Jewish (It doesn’t matter if they currently practice or ever did), and 4) I have never actually been to Israel before.

Well, I was born In New York (the state), on June 30, 1981, and the trip concludes on June 2nd, 2008, My Dad is 100% Jewish, and my mother converted, and the closest to the Middle East that I’ve ever been was when I was on the Southern Coast of Spain and France in 2000. So I applied, I got in, and now I’ve got a ticket to ride. All I have to do is show up to JFK airport in Manhattan on May 21st.

So it’s a done deal, right? I mean, what sort of irrational idiot would pass up an all expenses paid trip to a foreign country that boasts itself as the cradle of all of Western Civilization? How does one rationally conclude that there is a single reason not to take this trip, unless that person is afraid of the sun, too out of shape to bicycle, or an anti-Semite?

Oh wait, I forgot the apparently obvious reason; I am an American, Americans approve of the Zion State, and we are therefore bitter enemies of the PLO and Syria, and that’s where big, bad, meanie terrorists live, who can’t wait to use their high powered sniper rifles to pick off a bunch of traveling American Jews.

The way I see it, if I don’t take this trip, then the terrorists have won. Seriously, if I don’t go on this trip, because I fear for my life in a country that is home to 7.2 million people, then I’m basically saying that 7.2 million people are irrational idiots for living in a country that is, apparently, “very dangerous.”

I mean, really? Is Israel really that dangerous? Look, hop on the web, and see for yourself. I did some cursory research on mfa.gov (Israel Ministry of Foreign Affairs), and discovered that in Israel, from 1970-2000, 963 people (travelers included) died as a result of terrorism. That’s an average of 32.1 deaths from terrorism per year. According to the National Weather Service of America, over the last thirty years (1977-2008) an average of 62 deaths in America were caused by lightening per year.

Do you want me to connect dots A and B for you? Okay. This means that twice as many Americans, on average, die from lightening than Israelis do from terrorism. So I guess in addition to turning down a free trip to Israel, I should never go outside during a storm, and I should wrap myself in rubber, even when I’m not fornicating.

Oh but wait, this is totally different. Things have CHANGED since 9/11. Well, first of all, I hate that phrase (“since 9/11”). And secondly, I think the only thing that has changed since 2001 is the average American’s perception of what constitutes as a legitimate threat to their personal safety.

Many different things in this world pose a very legitimate threat to your personal safety. But terrorism is just not one of these legitimate threats, despite Fox News and the Bush Administration’s vehement and repeated attempts to persuade you otherwise.

What does pose a legitimate threat to your health and safety? According to the Surgeon General, and most doctors in this nation, the biggest threat that most Americans face is not Osama Bin Laden and his network of terror, that threat doesn’t even come close to the threat that obesity presents. Americans have become notorious for eating ridiculous quantities of ridiculously unhealthy foods, and now, more than fifty percent of our adult population is considered to be obese, which presents an inherent health risk that the Center for Disease Control estimates kills over 120,000 Americans EACH YEAR.

So before you finish your fries, and wash down that burger with a healthy swig of Coca-Cola classic, you may want to consider the fact that eating these sorts of meals makes you 3,750 times more likely to die than LIVING in Israel, let alone traveling there for 10 days.

I’m not done. Like your car? Want that sexy, new BMW? Love the thrill of the road trip? I sure do! And I’ll tell you what; the last thing that enters my mind when I get in my four-door 2005 Hyundai is the fact that, according to the National Safety Council of America, there is a 1 in 6,197 chance that I will die from a fatal automobile accident.

Seriously, if you want to wax intellectual on the subject of fears worth fearing, I strongly encourage you to travel to nsc.org and look up all the amazing ways that Americans die each year, and your percentile risk. No, really, I mean it, take a few minutes out of your day and travel to www.nsc.org/lrs/statinfo/odds.htm and check out what I have coined as their “sum of all fears.”

The point that I’m trying to make is that almost anything can kill you, but the only thing that the fear of travel will get you is an inability to see for yourself how different cultures thrive and survive, and the end result of this sort of xenophobia is close mindedness and an irrational perception of how viable our American way of life is.

But if you really still think it’s rational to fear traveling to the Middle East, then I won’t stop you from continuing to watch Fox News and taking other people who don’t travel to the Middle East’s word on just how unsafe that area is. In the meantime, I think I’ll stick to defending my fears as rational, and I’ll also use this vacation as an opportunity to confront my fear of dying before I get the chance to hook up with a beautiful, olive skinned Israeli girl. I’ll just have to pray that she’s over 25, has no facial tattoos, hates the Yankees, doesn’t offer me a guest toothbrush, and that she waits until I leave before she uses a vacuum cleaner. Thank god I’m rational enough to still go on this trip!