#70 Persona Schermona
I am a member of the human race, but more often than not, I do not feel very human. I was born just like all the rest of the humans on Earth were, but DNA aside, I don’t feel like I have anything in common with the rest of my race.
The point of life is to live it. The meaning of life is to create meaning, and then enjoy the path of discovering and enjoying the meaning you have created. But even though I intellectually know this, I find myself resisting my urge to enjoy life, and instead, I find myself dissecting life, analyzing life, and so I never seem to be living my life.
I am always looking forward, trying to envision “the moment”. The moment when everything will be all right, when I will feel in control, when I will be “there”.
But try as I might, I never seem to get “there”. Instead, I constantly feel frustrated, because I always seem to wind up “here”, instead of “there”. And even though “here” would appear to be fine to an outsider’s analysis, to me, “here” doesn’t make me feel anything.
Here is just a state of mind that leaves me feeling bored, complacent at best, and more often than not, I feel stuck “here”. So I’m looking to go somewhere else, to the “there”, thinking that “there” will be better than “here”.
The major flaw of my perception is that the “here” I am at now is actually, in reference to the “here” of my past, a drastically different place. As a matter of fact, the “here” that I am currently in, to my past self, would certainly seem like a “there”.
So is it my dharma to perpetually look forward and to never accept my current reality? It would certainly seem so. And it seems to me like most of the happy, contented humans that I am supposed to be like feel happy in their own “here” and are actually living their lives, content with their own reality.
Am I doomed to forever be stuck looking forward, and to never feel content with the reality that I have created? Why do I feel like a doer, yet act as though some object force is acting upon me?
Why can’t I learn to accept and indulge myself in the pleasure of the moment? How is it that I perpetually feel stuck, even though I have created a wonderful life that is a playground for me to explore?
Is it possible for me to turn off my own analytical mind, and to delve into the pleasures of my earthly existence, or is my DNA so poorly wired that I cannot calm my own mind, cease the worrying, and simply learn to enjoy the perpetual bliss that I have created for myself?
Michael put down his pen, rubbed his tired eyes, and closed his notebook. He couldn’t believe that he had once felt so crushed and defeated. He reopened the notebook and read the date in the upper right hand corner of the page he had just been reading. He laughed out loud, realizing how much things could change in just a year’s time.
Whereas before he had felt like an alien, out of control, and forsaken by a god he didn’t want to believe in, he now felt completely different about the world. He had things to do, a future to create, and an unlimited well of optimism and intellectual reason at his disposal.
He could always write about his feelings, and his perceptions were not false, but his greatest talent, the talent of analyzing his own base emotions, had apparently, also been his greatest flaw.
But there wasn’t much else to do but laugh at himself. And the laughing made him feel a lot better.
Michael again closed his notebook, and continued to chuckle as he left the waitress an abnormally large tip. He realized that after years of searching for a “there”, he had finally found it, and it had been “here”, with him, all along. The only change in his life had been learning how to accept and embrace each and every passing moment. And now that the “there” had finally become a “here”, he was enthralled by the “here”.
As he got into his car, he felt proud of himself for accomplishing such a simple task. And now that he was “here”, and now that he finally felt human, he felt warmed by his acceptance of the “here” and realized that he was finally ready to enjoy it.
It was now time to go out and seek the pleasures of human companionship. So he got in his car, drove to a friend’s house, and turned off his analytical mind. And everything was in its right place.
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