MikeyOpp.com

It’s Sunday, I’m in a coffee shop, nursing an awful hangover, trying to soothe a three day old sore throat, and all the while trying to ignore the searing, burning pain in my upper-lower back (what a fun way to describe a location, with two antonyms joined together!) Just as I’m about to lose it, and throw my blank-screened laptop through the large windows of my coffee shop, Dusty Springfield comes on the stereo, and like the soothing warmth of a fresh cup of NyQuil before bed, I suddenly feel my muscles relaxing, and my emotions calm down. How does this phenomenon work? How can music control my emotions so effectively? How can music be so inter-connected with my mind and body?

It’s safe to say that I’m obsessed with connections. Like when I woke up this morning with a painful headache, I connected the headache with the concert I attended last night, where I drank about six shots of whisky in five hours. Then when I coughed and my throat hurt, I connected my cough with the illness I’ve been suffering from all week, which I next quite naturally connected with the Avian Bird Flu. The next connection I made was that I am indeed going to be the first American to die of this new plague. And then I connected my reaction to my cough with the psychological phenomenon that is hypochondria, and I laughed at myself, realizing that an early morning cough after a night of drinking like an Irishman is probably pretty normal, and not worthy of connection with a pandemic that hasn’t even really surfaced yet. But just to be sure, I just logged onto the Center for Disease Control (CDC) website to check out the latest statistics on the Avian Bird Flu (also known as H5N1), and they sent me to the World Health Organization website (WHO) which I’m happy to report claims that 167 out of the 273 known human cases of H5N1 have resulted in a fatality. This is a high mortality rate, but a very low overall number of cases. So I’ll sleep OKAY again tonight – but just okay, not great.

A major connection that I think I ignore all the time is where the money I spend is actually going. For example, when I pay my taxes, I am aware of the fact that a lot more of my tax money than I would like is going towards ‘supporting our troops’ as they ‘stay the course’ in Iraq. I also realize that very little of it is going towards fixing the pot holes and poorly maintained local roads that irk me on a daily basis. And I am angered by the fact that less than one percent of my money is going towards education. But I pay my taxes, because I am legally required to do so, but at least I realize that I am funding an administration that thinks, as George Orwell wrote, that “War is Peace,” and I suppose that I salute them with my taxes for recognizing this important paradox of existence.

But aside from my taxes, I’m pretty unaware of what companies I support via my purchases. What do I mean by this? I mean that when I buy a cheap box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for dinner from the local mini-mart, a Toblerone chocolate bar, or any Nabisco treat, I don’t often make the connection that I’m actually funding the giant parent corporation that is Phillip Morris USA, or should I say Altria. Now I’m sure this is not news to most of my readers, since I write for a highly intellectual and well read audience (go ahead, pat yourselves on the back, you deserve it), but just in case you haven’t read about this, in 2003, Phillip Morris Co. (the world’s largest tobacco seller, in the history of tobacco sales) legally changed it’s corporate name to “Altria Group” in what I would argue was an attempt to obfuscate its familial relations with such companies as Kraft Foods, Phillip Morris USA, Phillip Morris International, and SABMiller Brewing Company. And just to be abundantly clear, Kraft Foods is America’s #1 food company, SABMiller is the world’s #1 beer provider, and Phillip Morris USA and Phillip Morris International combine to beat out any other tobacco companies in tobacco sales (sales, not volume.). Believe it or not, Altria receives $72 billion annually in revenue!

So this got me to thinking about how I spend my money, and how my ‘boycotts’ and ‘buycotts’ may actually not be working. For example, when I eat out at restaurants, I try not to order meat from any restaurant that is not using hormone free, free range animals, because I have a soft fleshy pathetic heart that gives me pain when I gnaw into an animal that was raised in a manner that I deem improper. I also try to smoke Camel cigarettes, instead of Marlboros, because I prefer to give my money to a man named R.J., rather than Phillip. I just never liked the name Phillip very much. I’m just kidding, sorry; the Bird Flu must be clouding my mental capacity for humor and coherency. At any rate, my mind has been wondering recently as to how many corporations I unwittingly support each day through my usual purchases. So I hopped on the net this morning, to try and get a clearer picture of whom I actually support with my usual purchasing decisions.

To my surprise, my trite Internet research on this subject proved to be quite informative, but also pretty boring. There wasn’t a lot of shocking news in finding out that UAL (United Airlines) is one of the largest holding companies in the world. But they don’t own anything that outrageous, just a lot of hotel chains, a few new Internet sites, and some vacation companies. General Electric owns the television network NBC, and has an ‘alliance’ with Microsoft, the Walt Disney Co. owns the ABC network, many retailers, theme parks, sports teams, and a few other media outlets. But no one takes home the cake quite like Time Warner, the world’s largest media outlet. They own equivalent rivals to everything that Disney owns, and then some. They own several theme parks, several sports teams, and they are currently negotiating the rights to your eternal soul.

So what does this all mean to the average consumer Joe? Does this mean that if I hate the Atlanta Braves, who until a few days ago were owned by Ted Turner, who is a major shareholder of Time Warner, that I should boycott all of Time Warner’s holdings in order to show my loyal non-support of their franchise? Or is that taking something too far? Do you realize what it would take to boycott an entire parent company like Time Warner? Let me explain to you how much of the world Time Warner owns! According to my research, they control 24 book publishers, including the gigantic Time-Life publishing warehouse; they control over 40 television stations, including all of the HBO’s, CNN’s, and my personal favorite, Comedy Central; they control at least 12 different Internet providers, including the gargantuan AOL, most of the local New York City network and cable stations, 16 different film production companies, including Castle Rock, they control all of the Hanna Barbera cartoons, and over 150 magazines, including Mad Magazine, DC Comics, Time, and the ever popular Yachting Monthly. Bored yet? Because I’m not even half way through the extensive list of all the companies that Time Warner controls, and I’m just listing a few examples from the hundreds of actual listings. Tell you what, let’s save each other some time, and if you are really interested, then go to http://www.ketupa.net/time1.htm. But I would like to mention that if you are a fan of music, then I hope that you can play and record your own music in your own home, because if you ever decide to boycott Time Warner, then you’re officially boycotting almost every single record label in the United States – they practically own ‘em all.

Suffice it to say that Time Warner is one hell of a corporation, with tremendous assets and profits, and if I were to choose to boycott them, I’d be spending a lot of time alone, in a dark room, with no Internet, films, or music to keep my restless mind intrigued. And if I were to boycott them, as well as Altria, then I’d be bored, and hungry as hell, without any beer or cigarettes to keep me further occupied. Now of course, there are alternatives. But the alternatives, in most cases, are other large holding corporations that control a lesser percent of market share than Altria or Time Warner. So they’re like the henchman to the evil villain, and I don’t feel much better supporting a henchman than his leader.

But the way I see things, there’s only one villain in this world with an ego big enough to take credit for owning a majority of the world, and that is mega-googa-va-gillionaire (made up number that means, uh, lots) Rupert Murdoch. Rupert is a wily, manipulative, aggressive and incredibly intelligent entrepreneur who has managed to buy up almost everything that you know and love (like the Internet), as well as many of the things you may hate (like Fox News and Myspace.com). In addition to these major holdings, you may also be surprised to know that he owns you, your family, all of your possessions, and everything you have ever wanted to own, and may someday actually think you own. He even owns my free column, and the intellectual property of my as of yet unborn-first-born son. But really, with a name like Rupert Murdoch, was he destined to do anything else but control the world? Talk about the perfect name for a super villain – even the etymology of his name convinces me that the man was destined for greatness: The name Rupert comes from the nephew of King Charles I (Prince Rupert of the Rhine), and Murdoch is Gaelic for Sea Warrior. At first, I thought it fitting that the world’s greatest media mogul’s name literally means Prince Sea Warrior, but after some further internet research, I found out that Murdoch’s middle name is Rupert and his first name is actually Keith, which is Scottish for Wood, and I’m not one to be scared of a guy named Wood, so I’m not too scared of Murdoch anymore, and I forgive you for your greed, Keith.

But to be perfectly honest, I don’t really think that I’m capable of boycotting Time Warner or Keith Murdoch, nor am I capable of instead supporting small, local economies. This is because I don’t make enough money to buy only organic foods, and to afford locally handcrafted toothbrushes and other ‘essentials’ that I normally purchase from large parent corporations. I’m a savvy, frugal shopper, with dollar signs on my mind, and not the nearly impossible ‘Davidian’ notion of taking down our modern Goliaths. To be even more honest, I’m twenty five years old, single, and a card carrying member of the lowest income bracket, so I’m more concerned with saving every cent I can so that I can attend great music events, get my fix of booze at the local bars, and so that someday, when I find some beautiful and intelligent girl to whisk me away from my worries, I can afford to travel the world with her, in search of serenity, and a lack of repetition and routine. So I’ll reconcile my differences with Altria by offering them a truce: Altria, I think that you need a fresh, young face to give your corporation a friendly, hip image – So I’ll start writing promotional essays for all of your products, and I’ll even switch from smoking Camels to Marlboro’s in return for one tenth of one percent of your annual revenue, which is a measly 72 million dollars. Oh, and now that we’re family, Poppa Altria, do you think that I could borrow the corporate jet? I’ve got a hot date tonight…