#20 Got Pot?
Personally, I don’t smoke pot. Much like Clinton, I inhaled it, once, but I immediately blew out the bitter smoke from my mouth, because it tasted so delicious, I mean awful, that I couldn’t stand the thought of letting its poison drip into my pink, healthy lungs. I also like to take candy bars and unwrap them, sniff them, and then throw them away. I still think that counts as trying something, don’t you? At any rate, while Clinton is either a moron or a liar, (I think he’s both), I’m not ashamed to admit that I function far more effectively in our modern world when I’m high on pot. This is because when I’m high, I don’t tend to let things bother me as much as I do when I’m sober—or drunk!
When I’m sober, I don’t like things like charities, and their assault for handouts. I especially hate youth groups and sports teams that stage car washes. Little children car washes are the worst because I don’t really trust kids and their grubby little hands all over my car. If you’re under the age of ten, I don’t want you near my car, because you don’t own a car, you’ve probably never been in charge of anything more expensive than an ice cream cone, and you don’t really care if you do a good job or not, you just think that because your charity needs money, my bleeding heart will overpay you to splash water on my car. It’s awful to try and make me feel guilty when I cruise by in my dirty and dented Hyundai without slowing down; look, I like my car dirty, it helps prevent theft.
Kids, If you want to sell me something, how about you wait outside the 7-11 at night, and catch me when I’m high on pot, and I’ve got the munchies, maybe then I’ll care about your cause, and buy four hundred snickers bars off you, and you’ll get your little league field that new outfield fence! Now, I understand why attractive women have car washes as fundraisers; it’s because they’re attractive, and guys will pay money to be surrounded by attractive women with warm water and soap, cause hey, you just never know what’s going to happen when you mix attractive women with warm water and soap (like a bad, overpriced car wash by non-professionals in tight, white t-shirts.) But if you are going to try and flag cars down for a car wash, try to base your enthusiasm on the car type and driver. For example, I’m 25 and I drive a Hyundai, this means that I cringe at the thought of spending cash, so I’m not really the type to buy into a ten-dollar car wash by amateurs.
I really enjoyed the World Cup this year. I think that the worst professional soccer player in the World Cup is probably more athletic than the average NFL player, baseball player, and golfer. But when the news broke out about why the French soccer star, Zidane, head-butted an Italian opponent (rumors indicated that a lip reader was positive that the Italian called Zidane the “son of a terrorist whore.”), I decided once and for all that this world needs to smoke more pot, and thereby not get so offended so easily. With millions of dollars, and your country’s pride on the line, how could one comment—any comment—be so severe that you couldn’t kick the offender’s ass after the game? Revenge can be twice as cunning and three times as sweet if planned in advance. Why not act nonchalant at the time, and then after the game, find out where the offender’s mother lives, and kidnap her, like a terrorist? That would have been a funny and ironic gesture.
I heard a lot of racist rhetoric during the World Cup, and I was reminded about America’s most recent attempts at reforming immigration and border laws, and I’m seriously surprised that our politicians are not wasting tax payers’ money by spending time passing bills to rename Mexican items, like the time that congress tried to change the name of French fries to Freedom Fries when France didn’t want to invade Iraq with us. Shouldn’t we begin banning taco bells, and their ‘run south for the border’ campaign? Furthermore, I think ballparks should put a hiatus on nachos, they’re kind of Mexican as well, and we don’t want to encourage ‘those people’ into coming to ‘our’ country, because they might work hard for us, and in return appreciate our hospitality, and that could tarnish our reputation as a free nation of selfish, pampered, greedy, narcissistic, ego-driven and close minded war mongering people; or we could change that image by legalizing marijuana!
But the World Cup taught me about nationalities. You see, heritage wise, I’m Cuban, Russian, Italian, and Spanish. This means that if you interact with me, according to my ancestry, the Cuban in me will tell you what you can and cannot do, and the Russian in me will steal from you, all the while, the Italian in me will curse at you, and hurt your feelings, and then when you’ve had enough, and you’re ready to react, the Spanish part of me will already be passed out from drinking too much. And this is called taking a siesta; a useful tactic for ignoring other’s laments and rage. But as an American, I hear there is some amendment that gives me the right to say anything that I want—so long as it’s not oppositional towards war or about a soldier’s death not being worth the loss of life. But Americans should be ashamed for starting the war against the black market economy!
I’ve been getting into the stock market for a little over a year now, and the one thing that upsets me is that I cannot invest in some of the stocks that should excel if and when our economy declines; namely, crack cocaine, prostitution, and the rest of the black market economy. I wish it were legal, and feasible to create an electronic trading fund (ETF) that tracks the global black market as a whole, because I’m quite sure that as times get tougher, like in our Great Depression of the 1930s, the black market will expand and more people will turn to illegal substances and practices as a cheap refuse for their anger and bitterness. I know that when I have a lousy day, I find that even legal substances, like alcohol, help me to cope, and pot would be a steady stock to invest in, since it never seems to lose popularity among the masses. Imagine the P/E ratio and dividends!
They say marijuana affects the memory, and this is true, for one night this week, I got high and couldn’t find my cell phone, but I needed it to go out, because I had people calling me later to find out where to meet up, and I was already running late to pick up a friend, only I couldn’t call the person I was late to pick up to tell him I was going to be late, because I could not find my phone, and no one else in my house was home, and since our home has no land line, I was at the mercy of my poor memory to find my own phone. It took me forever to find my phone, and all the while I grew more and more angry with my bad short-term memory. But alcohol kills more brain cells than pot does!
And despite it’s effect on short-term memory, I still do not agree with our laws: alcohol is worse for our society than marijuana. The American “War on Drugs” began in 1906, so this year the war turned 100, and I find it worth repeating that it makes no sense to declare war on an inanimate object. I stand pat in my assertion that our country, and most of our world, is simply out of their minds when it comes to delineating what is and is not safe for human consumption. Why is it any one else’s right to tell you what you can and cannot do to your own body, in the privacy of your home? Why is it that it is okay to ingest as much caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol as you desire, but not pot? Personally, I like to blame the hippies for this awful state of affairs.
Hippies have given a lot of good things a very bad name in the eyes of conservatives. But the term hippie is misapplied far too often these days. There are plenty of non-hippies out there who smoke pot, and conversely, there are many hippies out there who do not smoke pot. So while it’s still fair to make fun of hippies for their dread-locks, lack of shaving, and VW buses, it’s not fair to assume that you’re getting revenge on them by keeping pot illegal. By turning society away from the peaceful effects of marijuana, and towards alcohol, we encourage anger, violence, and stupidity: the effects of alcohol.
Remember that funny time when Ted Kennedy got a little too drunk, swerved his car off a road, left his date dying in a ditch, and then hid from the cops, and sobered up, so his blood alcohol level wasn’t over the legal limit? I just don’t think the same thing would have happened had Teddy and his date smoked pot instead that night. Got Pot?
People say that marijuana makes you lazy. I think lazy people are lazy, and when they smoke pot, they relax to a point at which they embrace their own laziness. My friends can vouch for the fact that I smoke pot and still accomplish all my desired tasks, and have lots of energy in the process—pot does not always lead to apathy. But alcohol does have its merits: It can make you throw up, give you a nasty headache, and cause your voice to shake; and these are great assets to a person who is trying to fake being sick to skip work.
Speaking of throwing up, I remember as a child, discovering that the syrup of ipecac wasn’t like maple syrup, and only to be drank if I ingested poison (I wanted to put it on my waffle). Well, since the time I left home to live on my own, I don’t think a single household that I’ve lived in has bothered to purchase this emergency ‘medication.’ The other night, after my friend hurled from drinking a single shot of tequila, I realized that most homes should just keep a bottle of tequila next to the poisons, because it serves a dual purpose; it’s gets you nice and faded when you’ve had a rough day, and in times of emergency, it will make you throw up, especially if you don’t use a lime as a chaser.
Imagine a world in which everyone got high, instead of drunk. Alcohol causes domestic disputes, higher crime rates, and violent, rash behavior. Grass temporarily increases the appetite, and causes a methodical, and sometimes useful stupor. I don’t think that if criminals got high on pot instead of drinking malt liquor they’d want to steal a car stereo, and even if they did want to, I don’t think they’d be able to figure out how to do so. Meanwhile, hippies, they don’t steal things either; so if we legalize marijuana, we’re not giving in to the hippies. The greatest crime that hippies commit against humanity is their disregard for flushing toilets. Hippies; I don’t care how much water you think you’re saving, when a toilet is provided for your urinary disposal, you should practice what you preach, and do unto others as they’d do unto you –when you come over to my house, I’ve got a toilet for a reason: so flush it. And in the meantime, if you want to see hippies in jail, then come to your senses; decriminalize marijuana, and make not flushing a crime.
